D E A R ___ ____ _ _ ____ ___ ____ _ _ ___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ __ _ _ _ ___ ___ _ _ __ ___ ___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ __ _ _ _ _ ____ _ ____ _ _ ____ _ _ ___ Issue 0004 Dear Reverend, [Pokey, Thu Jul 15 05:56:52] 254 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ Everlasting Gobstoppers were featured in the children's story Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Did Roahld Dahl receive a flat fee for the use of them (as well as the Wonka moniker) or was it a comission based on sales over a period of time? -POKEY Everlasting Pokeystopper [Reverend, Thu Jul 15 23:12:55] 503 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ Speaking of Everlasting, sorry about the delay on answering, folks. This one took me a bit. I called the Willy Wonka candy company. Willy Wonka is owned by Nestle, so it's really them who I called. Nestle is a Swiss company. I hope you realize the personal trauma involved in this. The candy came after the book, and all the names are used freely with no compunction from Roald Dahl's estate. Dear Minister [Kathead, Thu Jul 15 06:04:54] 197 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ can you recomend a decent online french dictionary (preferrably one with advice on conjugation and/or grammar) thanks, Lost in Switzerland L'Kathead [Reverend, Fri Jul 16 01:24:37] 467 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ I don't think there are any dictionaries like that even in english, let alone in other languages. Besides babelfish.altavista.com (which kinda sucks) There is http://humanities.uchicago.edu/forms_unrest/FR-ENG.html for word translations. je ne sais quais. Dear Priest [Stryfe, Thu Jul 15 06:59:41] 583 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ I am POSITIVE I turned my laptop off last night, at 55% battery power because I knew I would plug it in here at work and be ok. However, when I got to work and pulled the laptop from it's nice leather case, the unholy beast was on!!! And only at 21% battery! Now, this thing gets like 3 hours of battery life. How was it turned on (hypothicize if needed), at approximately what time was it turned on, and WTF!!??!? Thanks, Stryfe Lapstryfe [Reverend, Fri Jul 16 01:28:24] 914 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ Well, lets first talk about ratios. If you say your machine gets about 3 hours of life, then your machine had probably been on about an hour. Of course, the displayed battery percentage is probably not really that close to accurate, and you probably mean 3 hours before everything starts fuckin up, etc, but as you stated it thats about an hour of use. Now what had happened an hour prior? Did you come in and set down yer laptop case on yer desk? If so you coulda banged it in that oh-so-perfect way. If your laptop has an infrared network thingy, then being banged by IR signals could have triggered it's poweron and receive sequence. Or it could have been all the porn you got on there doin it. Dear AlphaMale [Menahuni, Thu Jul 15 08:06:16] 185 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ What do females do about attracting weird shit? My summer: +stalky ex +two guys over 40 +1 guy with girlfriend +1 guy wanting money for food cause he did not want to go back to prison. hi [Kathead, Thu Jul 15 08:10:50] 103 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ invest in mace and other personal armaments? Dear Kathead... [Menahuni, Thu Jul 15 08:19:30] 140 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ I tried replacing my regular perfume with Mace and Pepper spray. But all it does is make my eyes watery and my wrists all numb and tingly. Megahoney Menahuni [Reverend, Sat Jul 17 15:34:57] 380 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ If you fidn yourself surrounded by creepy guys who you really would rather not be surrounded by, you might want to change a couple things. Like where you hang out, who you hang out with, who you associate with, etc etc. Obivously the current settings are ended up faultily. Dear Mr. Manofthecloth [Purge, Thu Jul 15 08:29:06] 71 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ Why is it that Kathead is always trying to muscle in on your schtick? Purge Musclin [Reverend, Sat Jul 17 15:35:32] 185 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ I don't think he's picked up the not-so-subtle hints about looking like an ass. Dear Altar-Boy Violator [Stryfe, Thu Jul 15 08:35:38] 498 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ I see hundreds and hundreds of employees in this facility I am working in. Now, I cannot speak for floridians in general, but I am getting the nagging feeling that there are lots of extraneous people in this building that do absolutely nothing at all but make my life more difficult by breaking shit. How should I deal with these feelings inside? Surrounded by Stryfes [Reverend, Sat Jul 17 15:37:54] 457 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ If you find there are too many people at your workplace, and they seem to be making you want to bust out a knife and start stabbing em in the necks, Perhaps you might try a vacation. If this is undoable, make better use of your free time. if you have a weekend off, use it to its fullest extent. If you are tired when you get back to work, fuck it. Dear Rabbi [Ahab, Thu Jul 15 09:36:27] 155 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ Is the Jerry Springer Show real? Are the fights real? And on a similar note, is professional wrestling 100% fake or do they actually do some real stuff? Fightin' Ahab [Reverend, Sat Jul 17 15:39:28] 579 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ Jerry Springer is very fake. pro Wrestling is very fake. There's a difference in their fakeness, of course. Jerry is scripted and planned. Wrestling is to, but to be a fake in wrestling you have to be strong and tough and willing to take the occasional full punches to the face, etc. Sometimes they get sloppy, like I see em swinging 'sticks' at eachother which are really shinai, fake japanese practice swords that couldn't hurt someone if you needed them to really badly. Dear Minister [Reverend, Thu Jul 15 16:24:24] 30 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ If you're Minister, who am I? Reverend [Reverend, Sat Jul 17 15:40:12] 143 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ You're one of us. And I'm one of you. multi-question, beware [Solara, Thu Jul 15 16:47:04] 416 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ Dear Mr. Man, In reference to Luger's question, don't you think that you could die from exhausting your heart if you stayed awake long enough? Some kind of cardiac complication? And isn't it true that your heart slows down when you sleep so it can rest too? Sure, you might have to stay up a REALLY long time, and there are other parts of your body that could give out, but I want to obsess over the heart. Thanks! Solara exhausts my heart [Reverend, Sat Jul 17 15:40:47] 178 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ I think the other things will hit you long before your heart gets tired. Dear Minister [Bob, Thu Jul 15 17:06:16] 171 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ How come I start shakin if I havent had caffine or right after I get caffine after not havin caffine I hope that doesnt sound as confusing to you as it just did to me Bob Caffinated bob [Reverend, Sat Jul 17 15:41:43] 251 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ You are addicted to caffeine. Quite nicely, I might say. Caffeine is possibly my favorite addiction. No side effects, and a hell of a withdrawal. death from lack of sleep [Zippo, Thu Jul 15 17:34:53] 384 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ Nyg said his parents (doctors) said that lack of sleep can easily lead to brain hemorrhaging and so I would think that'd be a possible cause as well. so [Bob, Thu Jul 15 18:30:00] 153 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ if brain hemergrin or wotever and stuff happens does that mean staying awake for 2 days and drinking and eating nothin but caffine is bad for you? Bob Dear Librarians, [Dementor, Thu Jul 15 19:03:20] 114 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ What was Hein's job in the back of the library? What kind of food did they serve? Who names their children Duc? Dementor workin for a livin [Reverend, Sat Jul 17 15:42:37] 232 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ Hein was a library page. He had some taco bell there that day, and some extra for Duc. Duc is a midly common cambodian name. Dear Minister [Hieronymus, Thu Jul 15 20:54:30] 235 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ If I have to choose between two girls to date, what should I use for a basis for comparison to decide? I can't date both, so don't suggest that, please. They are entirely different sorts of people, so how to choose? -Hieronymus Bosch Hieronymus Boschbutt [Reverend, Sat Jul 17 15:43:51] 339 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ Don't just date both, date both at the same time. Ride those ponies. If you really have to decide between the two, take em out for testdrives. Go on one date with each, and then figure out which one has the biggest net gain for you. hieronymus [Vector, Thu Jul 15 20:58:45] 57 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ Pick the one with the phattest ass and/or biggest chest. BigMinisterend [Zippo, Thu Jul 15 21:15:59] 673 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ Why is that, still, after repeated burnings on this, your page of almighty knowledge spewage, several of these aforementioned "shitsuckers" continue to annoy me with their useless and uncalledfor answers to those questions of utmost importance that were *clearly* meant to be answered by the great Minister? --Boglegged P.S. I just realized that .sig files suck on this page. I should disable them here (except for Reverend of course). Bigzippoend [Reverend, Sat Jul 17 15:45:16] 358 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ You know, I keep trying to figure that out. I'm not sure what would possess someone to answer a question directed SPECIFICALLY at someone else, I think it may be controlled by the same faulty part of the brain that makes people want to wear courduroy. Dear Minister [Purge, Thu Jul 15 22:24:57] 111 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ I just read Zippo's last post, and I agree with his query regarding shitsuckers posting. Do you also agree? Purge agreein with ZIppo [Reverend, Sat Jul 17 15:46:12] 334 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ You agree with his question? I'm not sure how that works, seeing as no real sentiment is expressed in a question. Do you mean you agree with my expected answer? If so, then of course I agree completely cuz hey, it's my answer. Dear Minister [Tyrus, Thu Jul 15 22:26:37] 59 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ What is the meaning of life? IC approval by Mute. -Tyrus Tyrus, you have travelled far. [Reverend, Sat Jul 17 15:47:04] 311 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ You put your right foot in You put your right foot out You put your right foot in and you shake it all about You do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself about That, my friend, that is what it's all about. a poser [Zilch, Thu Jul 15 22:57:43] 446 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ I think I have what may be a poser for you. People are considered to be unreliable enough that they are forced to pay for their goods before they leave any store. Now some of these very same people own businesses. Since these businesses are all composed of people how come they are allowed to buy something from another business but not pay for it until after they have purchased it? Thanks, Wondering-in-debt-about-$10000-because-of-people Zilch (I think) [Reverend, Sat Jul 17 15:50:15] 330 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ The very same people that make up the businesses are also considered unreliable, so when purchasing things from other businesses, they are considered like employees of other business and thus aren't thought of as unreliable. Dear Reverend [Bob, Fri Jul 16 02:56:57] 240 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ I heard that the mud half resets once every 15 minutes but rtimers time every 30 minutes is the rtimer always programmed to go off at 1 certain reset and not the other one or is it just wotever reset is closest when you buy the rtimer? Bob Bob rtimes [Reverend, Sat Jul 17 15:51:04] 158 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ The mud doesn't "half reset" Thats false information. Dear Reverend [Altchemist, Fri Jul 16 07:15:42] 197 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ You seem bogged down by too many questions. Can you fix/adjust this page so that mabye another person (of your choice) will answer questions in a quick and insightful way? -Waiting for an answer Altchemist innabog [Reverend, Sat Jul 17 15:51:58] 262 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ There was a small lag while I wasn't able to do much of this while at work (I actually had to work) but I should be back to full answering form pretty soon. Dear Reverend [Stryfe, Fri Jul 16 07:22:07] 301 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ Why do mortals presume to tell you how to do your work and even write something that could be considered a "burn" on your own page? monkeyluv, stryfe Stryfe on fire [Reverend, Sat Jul 17 15:53:09] 261 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ I welcome any question. As far as to their motivations, I'd bet that the question Altchemist asked was intended in the nicest and most helpful of manners. Dear Reverend [Acetylcoa, Fri Jul 16 08:02:10] 142 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ what the fuck hell is Duc Food? Acetlycalin [Reverend, Sat Jul 17 15:54:41] 380 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ We've gone over this already, but there is no "duc food" there is "duc food is in the back of library where hein work" where duc is the target of the message 'food is in the back of library where hein work' So duc isn't modifying food. duc isn't an adjective, it's a Calin. Dear Reverend [Hannah, Fri Jul 16 14:37:31] 46 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ What is the reason for the current IPO craze? HannahPO [Reverend, Sat Jul 17 15:58:15] 434 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ IPOs are a big benefit to everyone involved. The employees of the company who got stock options are sittin at a huge benefit from the initial 50 cents they paid, the public all get crazy tryin to buy low before it gets high, and the owners of the company benefit from the stock they own AND from the big publicity it generates. Dear Reverend [Saffron, Fri Jul 16 19:29:34] 81 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ Does this page make you feel loved? Patiently awaiting your answer, Zafferano Saffron I know u luv me!~! [Reverend, Sat Jul 17 15:58:47] 208 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ Yes, it makes me feel warm and squishy inside. Like a gummy bear thats been in a girls pocket all day. Dear Reverend [Harpua, Sat Jul 17 12:27:38] 297 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ My friend and I have a bet concerning what I believe is to be a pic of you at www.eotl.com holding a sledgehammer. I say its a nod to the short-lived 80's comedy, _Sledgehammer_. My friend says that you like the stop action animation in the Peter Gabriel video for "Sledgehammer." Who wins? Harpoona [Reverend, Sat Jul 17 16:01:13] 765 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ Well, first off, you're really wrong. The show Sledgehammer didn't have a sledgehammer in it. It had a cop who was a 'loose cannon' and carried a Colt Python. But neither was my picture pose a nod to the video for Sledgehammer, where Peter Gabriels hands briefly turn into Sledgehammers and pound him on the head. I was not pounding myself on the head with the sledgehammer, I was just holding it. Common viewpoint was that I was mimicing a pose of John Lennon wherein he had a hat like mine and was holding a guitar and lookin right at ya like that. But in actuality, I just had the sledge with me and thought it'd be cool to pose with it for my picture. To whom it may concern [Felzin, Sat Jul 17 15:46:40] 229 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ Why is it that the bottle of superglue never sticks to itself. If I have some glue here that says, "Bonds Virtually Anything", why doesn't it bond to itself? What keeps it from becomming a big mass of dried glue in the bottle? Superfelzin [Reverend, Sat Jul 17 16:06:13] 726 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ Cynoacrylate glue (superglue) works by bonding smoothish surfaces against each other. It works into microscopic imperfections in the surface and acts as a sort of velcro against other cynoacrylate crystals that form in the imperfections on the opposing surface. As far as why the bottle doesnt dry out, it's because you keep the cap on. Inside the bottle, there aren't two surfaces pressed together, it's a big resivour of glue. Now the tiny little hole that it seeps out of can indeed become clogged with dried glue, and that happens to me all the time, so I keep a long needle with my modelling shit to break it up. Dear HUGE REVEREND [Felzin, Sat Jul 17 16:05:52] 174 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ Howcome when you buy a bag of chips, there is usuall ymore air than chips in the bag? Why not use smaller bags? Or, heaven forbid, put more cips in the bag? -Still Hungry Limp felzin [Reverend, Sat Jul 17 16:08:28] 467 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ When potato chips are packaged, they're all 'big' chips. They take up a lot and they close off the bag with extra air in it because the next step is shipping. Chips are shipped in big boxes, and in the process of bein shaken around a bunch of the big chips get crunched up and turned into the little bits at the bottom, and make room for the space at the top. Dear Reverend [Ahab, Sat Jul 17 16:43:46] 158 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ Is Sting going to beat Ric Flair on Monday Nitro this week? Why in the world is Hulk Hogan coming back again, and will he beat Kevin Nash to keep the title? World Ahab Federation [Reverend, Sat Jul 17 16:52:28] 172 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ This is an informational service, not the Psychic Friends Network. Dear Reverend [Felzin, Sat Jul 17 17:07:56] 47 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ Have you seen an aircraft carrier around here? Hey Felzin [Reverend, Sat Jul 17 17:08:54] 157 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ No. We're too close for missiles, switching to guns. Dear Reverend [Hieronymus, Sat Jul 17 17:10:09] 107 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ Do you think Taiwan will ever become independent from China? What are the chances of having a war over it? kung fu hieronymous [Reverend, Sat Jul 17 17:14:55] 349 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ Taiwan is an independant country from china. The chinese just disagree. As far as a war, the Chinese like to threaten to put pressure on the taiwanese for trade reasons, but a full blown war would turn nuclear too quickly. nobody is that dum. cheap airfare [Locus, Sat Jul 17 17:12:02] 137 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ Dear Reverend, my aunt would like to fly to Toronto Cananda. What website will show me the cheapest possible fare to fly there? -Locus Cuz I'm Locus on a jet plane [Reverend, Sat Jul 17 17:15:43] 126 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ www.cheaptickets.com