D E A R ___ ____ _ _ ____ ___ ____ _ _ ___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ __ _ _ _ ___ ___ _ _ __ ___ ___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ __ _ _ _ _ ____ _ ____ _ _ ____ _ _ ___ Issue 0003 Dear Mr. Jamie von Swiss III esquire [Stryfe, Wed Jul 14 09:50:21] 291 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ How come I can never see the damn things in those 3d posters like this one here is supposed to have a unicorn but i cant see shit arg! help It's a schooner [Reverend, Wed Jul 14 10:39:19] 351 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ What i do is try to focus my eyes 6 feet beyond the picture, then focus back until I see it. It's something you just have to do and learn. Dear Reverend [Ahab, Wed Jul 14 09:53:33] 124 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ Dear Reverend, Should the Jewish members of the mud take your advice also, even though you're a Reverend and not a rabbi? Ahab [Reverend, Wed Jul 14 10:42:31] 338 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ I could be a rabbi if you like. My ministerial lisence is not at all specific about my exact title. Swami? I can do that too. Dear Reverend [Kathead, Wed Jul 14 10:11:47] 455 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ please dismiss my comrade's comments apparently he forgets that the old, root meaning of rabbi is "teacher." now of course we have moreh which means teacher and rabbi which indicates a priest or spiritual leader. but by the base meaning of rabbi meaning teacher, or rather "one who imparts knowledge" i see no conflict here as you are obviously imparting knowledge 'sides minister is close enough Kathead [Reverend, Wed Jul 14 10:43:26] 342 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ The answer to your question is: What is the root of the word rabbi? I'll take foods that start with the letter 'Q' for 400, Alex. Dear Minister [Purge, Wed Jul 14 11:44:43] 69 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ how do you get someone to take you to lunch? Without seeming needy? Purg [Reverend, Wed Jul 14 11:49:03] 678 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ now thats a seriusly wide open field Do you mean friend? family? lover? oh you probably dont mean lover. well like, lemme run down the list anyhow cuz I'm a good man, and thourough. If it's a friend you want to take you to lunch, you need to classify the friend. Are they a good enough friend where you can just say "Dude I got no cash buy me lunch" or are they closer to "Oh man, I forgot my debit card at home can you cover this and I'll get you tomorrow?" Family? you should just say "Feed me." Lover? You should fight over who GETS to pay. Make sure you lose. Dear Shorn Jamie, [Pokey, Wed Jul 14 14:00:39] 33 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ Why have you shaven your mohawk? Last of the Pokeykans [Reverend, Wed Jul 14 20:02:20] 496 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ My mohawk was slightly crooked. Actually my hairline is crooked. Well I have a messed up head. Anyhow I'm growing my hair back out to grow a new mohawk, so those of you who are actually impacted in some way by my hair can rest easy. Dear Reverend, [Pokey, Wed Jul 14 14:02:12] 244 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ I need to choose between many people who are offering to give me a ride from the airport tomorrow. The people are: Arthur, Devo, Kathead, Tyrus, Wakko. Sliph also offered, but threatened to drive me to Oregon. Who should I choose, and why? Pokey rides again [Reverend, Wed Jul 14 20:05:32] 784 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ Based solely on their names, I can't give you a definate pick. What I would suggest is to measure the benefits of each, i.e. who is offering to buy you lunch, who is offering the best evening activity, and whether or not they have a cute sister. it's a tough call, and sometimes you can make people feel sorta bad by not picking them, but to all you alternates, don't feel bad, he's got to pick 1 person so your chances of being chosen are 1 in 5 to begin with. Your offers are, I'm sure, appreciated by the Pokester. Dear Reverend [Altchemist, Wed Jul 14 15:15:50] 73 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ I'm turning 18 in about two weeks. What do you suggest for a fun night? turning 18 [Reverend, Wed Jul 14 20:08:25] 669 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ as far as some particular arbitrary day that you're officially in the eyes of the government old enough to do some things (but still not all things) go, the 18 is a big one. I would advise against the lapdance thing. No big deal there, really. Buying porn will disappoiunt you, because you'll probably not get carded anyhow. I'd say go buy a gun. Don't forget to register for selective service, either. Dear Reverend [Ahab, Wed Jul 14 16:17:20] 149 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ Dear Reverend, I read in the news today that a girl had half of her brain removed. Does this mean that Stryfe will finally be able to find a date? Ahab and the half a brain [Reverend, Wed Jul 14 20:10:31] 563 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ Actually, half a brain is still highly functional. There is some lossage in some areas, but your brain is a pretty wacky, resiliant thing. As far as Stryfe getting a date, you just said half her brain was removed, not that the other half turned into a pig and flew over the freezing plains of hell. Dear Reverend [Ahab, Wed Jul 14 16:20:08] 224 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ Dear Reverend, I recently graduated from college with a BA in political science and Russian and then moved 3,000 miles to Maryland. Where can I find a job that will pay me well and let me start soon? -Jobless in Maryland Ahab, nyet [Reverend, Wed Jul 14 20:18:08] 291 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ Vi lyubite zharil bi s etim? Dear Minister [Cambot, Wed Jul 14 17:52:30] 555 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ I have a severe ant problem in my house. I mean severe as in i go into the kitchen and there's like 100 of em running around big black ones, they get in the cupboards and crawl all over the counters. I bought those little Raid Ant trap things but they don't seem to be working. Please suggest a helpful remedy, as my hairspray and cigarette lighter blowtorch method doesn't seem to be working very well as a deterrant. Also, my roommate has a cat and although i hate it i don't want it to die very much, so it must be a pet friendly remedy to my problem Cambot vs the Ants [Reverend, Wed Jul 14 20:21:57] 638 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ The best way to get rid of ants is a slow one. Just find out where they come into your house, and then plug that hole with something and smear a bit of Tiger Balm around the hole. Then wash all the trail lines with a strong soap. Do this until they just stop coming, it will work. For a shorter term solution, a small glass half-filled with flat coke. They'll die like mad. Dear Reverend, [Mop, Wed Jul 14 19:18:00] 197 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ What does "duc food is in the back of the library where hein work" mean and where was it derived from? On that same token, what does "dent fuckit" mean? Thanks. mop the fuckin cleaning implement. Mop food is in the back etc etc [Reverend, Wed Jul 14 20:24:33] 722 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ Basically, once this guy named Nonse logged on who was calin's cousin or some relation. He did Nonse: duc food is in the back of the library where hein work like 3 or 4 times. Hein was a friend of theirs, and duc is another guy. he was trying to tell duc these things, but he had limited mud knowledge. One night Voy echoed to everyone (voy) dent fuckit And we started saying it over and over. These are just little things that get picked up. dear minister [Purge, Wed Jul 14 19:19:51] 78 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ why does luger keep offering to 'bob my knob'? What does that mean? Thanks. Purge and Luger, sittin in a tree [Reverend, Wed Jul 14 20:26:58] 696 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ Bobbing is a common practice with dogtails. Basically, when the dog is still a puppy, you put a tight rubber band around their tail an inch above the base. This will make the rest of the tail necrostisize and fall off. This is done with a lot of attack dogs like dobermans or rottweilers. Your knob is a slang term for your penis, your rod, or your Johnson. he wants to trim you down. As to his motivations, I cannot speculate. Dear Reverend, [Pokey, Wed Jul 14 20:07:03] 114 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ If I pick one in five, and then change my mind, are the chances I picked the right person the second time better? Monty Pokey [Reverend, Wed Jul 14 20:29:12] 494 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ In this situation, yes. Your first choice will probably be impulsive, and then when offered something better, the rethought choice will probably be a better one, not to mention the extra stuff offered to entice a change of choice. pokey [Kathead, Wed Jul 14 20:19:24] 465 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ ooh ooh lemme field this one according to the stanley kaplan method of multiple choice testing strategies, you should always follow your first guess. we don't understand completely how memory recall or gut reactions work, but we do know that they work more often than not. word association games are a good method of getting used to figuring out what your first reaction to a multiple choice question is. Dear Reverend, [Dementor, Wed Jul 14 20:11:33] 40 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ I want to be a Wizard. Please help me. Allow me to rephrase: [Dementor, Wed Jul 14 20:18:12] 51 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ I would like to be a Wizard again. Please advise. Dementor Da Mentor [Reverend, Wed Jul 14 20:30:27] 518 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ If you've tried the application route and turned up dead, and if you're an ex wizard demoted for cheatin or pissin the wrong person off, you're pretty much screwed. You might get a bit of luck becoming chummy with an arch, but thats hard to do on demand. Dear Reverend [Amroth, Wed Jul 14 20:34:15] 28 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ Is circumcision a bad idea? Amroth and the 15% tip [Reverend, Wed Jul 14 20:44:26] 443 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ I have heard a ton of rabid arguments on this subject, but I don't really think it's a big deal. I'd say no, mainly cuz I'm circumsized and my knob works fine thank you very much. Dear Reverend [Moonstalker, Wed Jul 14 20:37:22] 46 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ Is it a good night to go out and drink beer? Moonstalker barhoppin [Reverend, Wed Jul 14 20:46:14] 649 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ If you enjoy going out, sittin with some pals, drinkin a few brews, sharin laughs, playin darts, and shootin some pool, yes. This is a good night out. If you don't have a good time then no, it's not a good night out. A good night out is one you enjoy. i've had good nights out just driving to in&out in the hopes of seeing a ho so I could talk about how i was gonna go get her number. Dear Reverend, [Dementor, Wed Jul 14 20:37:53] 123 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ Hodge visits my window on hot Sunday mornings asking for sexual favours. Does this qualify as being 'chummy with an arch'? Dementor the Chum [Reverend, Wed Jul 14 20:47:01] 365 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ If you can get him to promote you in exchange for a little somethin somethin, then yes. That's chummy. Dear Reverend [Ahab, Wed Jul 14 20:41:08] 446 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ I apologize in advance for my multi-part post. 1. No, I would not like fries with that. Zasoon yazik sebye v zhopu. 2. The last time I was a frob, Hodge deleted me because I said his "girlfriend" was a guy and he gave it to "her" up the ass. The time before that, Sarah deleted me for, according to the log, being Jewish. Monday night, Pokey made me dinner. Is there any chance that I'll be any kind of wizard at any point in the future? Ahab, I bet yer circumsized [Reverend, Wed Jul 14 20:50:42] 606 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ I accept your apology because only the second was a question. If you keep rubbing important people the wrong way and gettin yourself demoted, that's a pretty sure way to not be repromoted. I'm not saying you're a good person or a bad person, but if you piss people off, you'll feel the consequences. EotL is not a democracy, it's a tyrrany. Dear Minister [Kathead, Wed Jul 14 20:59:08] 173 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ What was your original inspiration to choose the name Minister? and to change it to Bigjamie and then to Reverend? BigKathead [Reverend, Wed Jul 14 21:03:35] 720 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ The first time I logged on here I was Reverend. I played that char (a squid) for a while but died a lot. I changed to playing one of my other chars more. Priest. So I played Priest for a while but he got old because he was a Rogue and I didn't like the Rogues guild cuz there was all this super guildloyalty tied in with this small cabal of mudsex partners and stuff. So then I switched over to Minister and played that. Hannah patched me up, Duncan frobbed me, and I stayed Minister until I felt like changing my name to Bigjamie. Felzin changed his name to Miketheman at the same time, just for fun. Then I went back to ol Reverend. Dear Reverend, [Dementor, Wed Jul 14 21:00:34] 82 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ Why would someone put their duc food in the back of the library where Hein work? duc food is in the back of Dementor [Reverend, Wed Jul 14 21:04:56] 284 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ Well see, Duc was a person. he was telling Duc that food was in the back of the library where Hein worked. Probably not as good of food as this hickory smoked sharp cheddar I'm eating now though, mmm. Dear Reverend [Reverend, Wed Jul 14 21:00:37] 188 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ Hi I was wondering if I, a person other than Reverend, could post in response to a Dear Reverend request. Reverend [Reverend, Wed Jul 14 21:05:23] 144 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ Well, you can, but you'll look like an ass. I won't stop you. Dear Reverend [Ransom, Wed Jul 14 21:21:34] 320 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ I need ya to settle a debate for me my friends and I were talking bout jerkin off and one of em says "Man I hate it when it takes longer than 5 minutes, I just have to give up" and me and another friend looked shocked and yelled an screamed sayin once you start you never say die you keep goin til yer done who's right? Ransom that'llmake you go BLIND! [Reverend, Wed Jul 14 21:49:37] 488 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ Jerking off is a highly personal act. I can't imagine actually arguing with people about how to do it. Some people are under-5 minuters, some people spend 45 minutes looking at the Sears Underwear catalog. Whatever floats your boat. In fact, the very idea of telling someone how or how not to masturbate offends my american sensibilities. Some things are sacred, and this is most definately one of them. Dear Reverend [Gauss, Wed Jul 14 22:05:32] 27 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ Kesey is broke. Fix him. Gauss What? [Reverend, Wed Jul 14 22:07:23] 201 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ I'm an informational service, not a clinical psychotherapist. If you like, I could tell you what is wrong with kesey. Dear Reverend, [Luger, Wed Jul 14 23:06:44] 450 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ what would a person die of if he or she decided to stay awake for like days or weeks or months or however long he could? ~q go haha what a buncha dicknoses wait til they read that bughouse ja im in if this shitpotpie lag clears up tell zippo wtf is this bullshit, fix news it lags like mofo when i post schitt shout gott im HIMMEL ^Mdo goto /secure/bin/shutdown##shutdown now suicide bughouseisimmoralihaveseentheerrorofmyweispraisegoddesstabithca Luger [Reverend, Wed Jul 14 23:13:33] 391 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ Well the first thing that happens is you'll collapse and fall asleep. If you're kept asleep you'll go insane, and I suppose kill yourself in some fashion. So thats how you'd die. Dear Reverend [Anastasia, Wed Jul 14 23:43:28] 1039 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ Back in highschool I kept have recurring dreams in which I had a baby. I was never pregnant, never went into labor, never even had sex, in the dream. I just had a couple month old baby. The dreams were all different but the basic plot was always the same: I had the baby and either I literally "lost" it (as in didn't know where I put it) or somebody (often my mom) was trying to take the baby from me. The baby was always a boy, and I always woke up before I found him. The daddy of the baby only appeared in one of the dreams and it was some old guy I don't even know. Anyway they stopped like senior year of highschool and I didn't have any in college, but I've had two since I graduated, except now the baby is older (a toddler) and in the last one I was pretty sure Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman were taking care of him and I was torn between looking for him and finishing my minigolf game with my friends. These dreams have always disturbed me and I can't figure out what the baby represents. What do you think they mean? Anastasia wide open [Reverend, Thu Jul 15 00:37:49] 825 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ You know, I have a feeling you're not going to like my answer here. I don't really believe dreams have meaning. But if I were to make conjecture... The baby sounds like your future. Throughout highschool you worried about where you'd be in the future and how you'd be grown up, etc. During college youdidn't care, but once set adrift in the working world of hideousness, you've rediscovered the fear of the future. I think the whole tom cruise nicole kidman thing is a red herring. Or they could be the tom cruise of work and the nicole kidman of fun, vying with eachother for control of your future while you play the miniature golf of laziness. See thats why i dont like dream interpretation it just all sounds like hogwash. That crap about flying meaning sex and stuff, I mean, come on. Dear Reverend [Ransom, Thu Jul 15 00:07:21] 264 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ while reading your response i was smoking a cigarette and i didn't have my ashtray close and ashed in a half full bottle of henry winehard's root beer and it like totally foamed up and is currently getting my desk really messy what kind of chemical thing is that? ransom's beer n cig [Reverend, Thu Jul 15 00:39:58] 203 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ Carbonated beverages foam up at the iontroduction of any particle substance. mylittle brother robbie puts sugar in his dr pepper (ok, dont ask) and he always makes a mess. Dear High Priest [Arthur, Thu Jul 15 01:00:14] 373 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ I recently started using an old school (non electric) razor. I'm wondering what the deal with aftershave is. I figure it's supposed to make you smell nice, but does it serve any other purposes? Do you have any recomendations for after shaves or even colognes (sp) for that matter? after shaves [Reverend, Thu Jul 15 01:04:04] 522 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ after dragging a sharp piece of metal across your face for 5 minutes, your face is going to be savaged. Aftershave will soften yer skin and smooth out the hideousness. It'll burn a touch sometimes but in the long run, let me tell you, it's worth it. I always used burma aftershave. As for cologne, I used to use old spice, now I use this stuff called Burt's Bees Bay Rum. It's really cool smellin, but sorta weak and it fades fast. You can get it at country sun in the hippie section. Dear Minister [Miriam, Thu Jul 15 01:20:25] 545 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ so my brother is a really cool guy who bought me a jack in the crack antenna ball for my birthday and i put it on my car except then a month later some jackass (no pun intended) stole the damn ball off my car so now my brother had to bring me a new one from phoenix (where he lives) because we don't have an e coli chain in sioux falls so how can i keep this new ball from getting stolen and still have it on display on my car? and also, why the fuck are people stealing my jack in the crack ball if we haven't even got the damn store?!@ Miriam onna stick [Reverend, Thu Jul 15 01:26:25] 314 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ Well the placement of the antenna ball is an inherantly precarious place. You could glue it on, but the next thief would probably just savage it instead. Theres no way to guard your antenna like that short of a dog in the car who can open the window and fly and shoot laser beams. Dear BigJamie [Miriam, Thu Jul 15 01:27:36] 84 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ How many girls have you "ruined" in your long sexual career? Can I have names too? Miriam [X] [Reverend, Thu Jul 15 01:29:19] 81 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ Ruined as in for other men? None that I know of. Dear Reverend [Miriam, Thu Jul 15 01:31:56] 690 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ This is actually more serious than the others: *ahem* okay, so i have three dogs, and one of them is a 9 year old black dachshund with a fucked up pancreas. This doggy did a dum thing and he somehow managed to break the equivalent of a thumb nail on his left paw. except the fucker didn't even break it off all the way. it's sorta hanging on, a little more than halfway off. it's too close to the quick to just snip it off with nail clippers, and it's still too attached to just yank off and kiss the puppy's ooboo all better. how long will i have to wait to help my doggy out, and how the fuck did he do it in the first place, and is there some way to fix it i'm not thinking of!? Miriam don't use jelly [Reverend, Thu Jul 15 01:42:20] 300 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ use flour. Just get the dog, lay it back, and clip it. nails will bleed a lot but a pinch of flour on the end will stop the bleeding pretty quickly, and it'll grow back fine. The dog may whine a bit, and this is a good oppourtunity to provide some treats and lovin. Dear Priest [Miriam, Thu Jul 15 01:44:37] 288 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ while we're on the subject of this black little demonspawn dog, whenever he relaxes, he'll have anywhere from the tiniest hint of pink to a good half inch of his tongue sticking out of his closed muzzle is his tongue too long or is this some fucked up way of permenantly cooling down? (14) I think [Reverend, Thu Jul 15 02:02:40] 272 Read? (ynq) -> I think [Reverend, Thu Jul 15 02:02:40] 272 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ we covered this previously, but yeah. Dogs dont sweat they hang their tongues. And I think he's probably just like, chillin out. I'm known to walk around with my mouth partly open. Maybe he does somethin similar. I have a cat that drools. Dear Reverend, [Dementor, Thu Jul 15 04:45:21] 49 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ How did you get to be so wise and knowledgeable? Every thus to Dementors, Lebowski [Reverend, Thu Jul 15 04:50:41] 401 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ It's a subtle, special mixture of good retention, good search skills, willingness to answer stuff and enjoying it, and for the odd questions, a sense of humor. I don't know if I've really helped anyone beyond simple entertainment, but I like to think I've made it a little easier for at least one person. Plus a large vocabulary of big lebowski quotes, thats vital.