Stupid Customers (July 1996)

(Wiz) Voy: tell us some "dumb customer" stories
(Wiz) Blackjack: heh
(Wiz) Blackjack: alright
(Wiz) Hallen: i had this #@(& come into the shop I work at
(Wiz) Blackjack grins.
(Wiz) Hallen: and theres like a huge sign pointing to some comp disks behind
      me
(Wiz) Hallen: and he goes "Do you sell computer disks"
(Wiz) Hallen: I go "no"
(Wiz) Muz laFs.
(Wiz) Hallen: and he left
(Wiz) Hallen: heh
(Wiz) Voy starts rolling on the floor, laughing hysterically.
(Wiz) Voy: you should get fired girl
(Wiz) Blackjack: I once had a customer ask
(Wiz) Voy shoots the finger at Hallen.
(Wiz) Quoth Blackjack, "how come the computer won't do what I tell it?"
(Wiz) Voy listens to Blackjack.
(Wiz) Locus laughs at Blackjack.
(Wiz) Muz goes, "Bahahahahahahahahahahahaha!"
(Wiz) Blackjack: I said, well, tell me what the problem is
(Wiz) Locus: customer Dave?
(Wiz) Blackjack: and he picked up the mouse, and talked into it
(Wiz) Blackjack: and said, "Look, it doesn't do anything!"
(Wiz) Voy doesn't believe it.
(Wiz) Muz starts rolling on the floor, laughing hysterically.
(Wiz) Voy grins.
(Wiz) Blackjack: or another time
(Wiz) Hallen: yer lying
(Wiz) Blackjack: this lady was all pissed at me, yelling that our computers
      sucked
(Wiz) Blackjack: cuz she couldn't get her files off of her floppy disk
(Wiz) Quoth Blackjack, "Ma'am, you should probably insert the disk all the
      way."
(Wiz) Hallen starts rolling on the floor, laughing hysterically.
(Wiz) Blackjack: someone's asked "What happens if I press PRINT?"
(Wiz) Locus: actually, he's not lying....
(Wiz) Hallen: oh yer lying
(Wiz) May starts rolling on the floor, laughing hysterically.
(Wiz) Hallen: no wei
(Wiz) Hallen: oh dear me
(Wiz) Blackjack: Some lady wanted  to print her file on parchment paper
(Wiz) Blackjack: so she kept trying to insert her paper through the cracks in
      the back of the monitor
(Wiz) Locus laughs.
(Wiz) Voy chuckles.
(Wiz) Hallen: welp I had a first year (my shop is on campus) ask "How much
      film is on this?" With 24 exp written on it blatantly
(Wiz) Hallen: when I get those I act dumb and reply "How the hell should I
      know?"
(Wiz) Hallen: thats what yew do bj
(Wiz) Hallen: makes them feel superior
(Wiz) Blackjack: Nah
(Wiz) Voy: you should say 52 exposures and laugh when they come back to
      complain
(Wiz) May laughs.
(Wiz) Blackjack: I want them to know that I'm MUCH smarter than they are
(Wiz) Locus: when I was there Sunday, someone asked me how they entered a
      space...
(Wiz) Locus: and I said, you hit the spacebar, and he said, where's that?
(Wiz) Blackjack: tonight, someone asked how to "make the letters all big"
(Wiz) Blackjack: Capital letters, you mean?
(Wiz) Blackjack: Yeah
(Wiz) Blackjack: Ok, press shift, just like on a typewriter
(Wiz) Blackjack: "Oh, I've never used a typewriter before"
(Wiz) Hallen: reply "Which planet do you come from, and how may I get there
      myself/"
(Wiz) Voy: I like Kinkos
(Wiz) Blackjack: The only time I've actually told a customer off was when this
      really obnoxious lady kept throwing paper around
(Wiz) Voy: I just love the whole idea of a shop which is open 24 hours where
      you can photocopy and stuff
(Wiz) Locus: someone else asked me: how do I backspace?  I said, you hit the
      backspace key...he says, and that'll backspace?
(Wiz) Voy: all it needs is to sell cofee and it would be perfect
(Wiz) Blackjack: because she couldn't get her microsoft word document to work
(Wiz) Hallen laughs at Locus.
(Wiz) Hallen: oh jeesus
(Wiz) Hallen: ah %#!% thats so funny
(Wiz) Hallen: oh laf laf laf
(Wiz) Blackjack: She said, "I've been working on this for hours!  It's your
      stupid computer's fault!"
(Wiz) Voy grins.
(Wiz) Voy: at least she didnt hit you
(Wiz) Blackjack: And then she blamed me for making the computer mess her
      document up
(Wiz) Blackjack: she threw a piece of paper at me
(Wiz) Blackjack: so I walked over, looked at the document
(Wiz) Blackjack: and said, oh, that's easy to fix
(Wiz) Voy: I guess if you're PAYING for a computer, you feel like you got a
      right to get pissy, man
(Wiz) Voy gasps in astonishment.
(Wiz) Voy: she threw a piece of paper at you???
(Wiz) Locus: they're paying $10/hour
(Wiz) Voy: animals!
(Wiz) Blackjack: so she asked me to fix it
(Wiz) Locus: for full service, we charge $65/hour
(Wiz) Locus: er $75/hour
(Wiz) Voy grins at Locus.
(Wiz) Blackjack: I just laughed.
(Wiz) Hallen: the mouse one was a lie
(Wiz) Locus: no....
(Wiz) Hallen: tis from a star trek episode
(Wiz) Locus: it's true
(Wiz) Voy agrees with Hallen wholeheartedly.
(Wiz) Blackjack: No, the mouse one is true
(Wiz) Blackjack: Oh oh
(Wiz) Locus: I've had custoemrs pick up the mouse and try to use it like a
      remote control
(Wiz) Voy: i've seen people
(Wiz) Voy high fives Locus!  Score!!!
(Wiz) Locus: they'd point at the screen, with the mouse upside down and say
      it's broken
(Wiz) Hallen starts rolling on the floor, laughing hysterically.
(Wiz) Hallen: i just told thomas
(Wiz) Hallen: hes pissing himself laughing
(Wiz) Voy throws a piece of paper at Blackjack!
(Wiz) Locus: another time, they'd sit down, then 15 minutes later come to me
      and complain that the computer was broken,..and I'd ask, did you turn
      the monitor on?
(Wiz) Hallen: laugh
(Wiz) Blackjack laFs.
(Wiz) Hallen: oh man this is good stuff
(Wiz) Blackjack: Oh oh oh
(Wiz) Blackjack: Once, this lady came in, sat in front of a computer
(Wiz) Blackjack: and stared at the screen saver for 15 minutes 
(Wiz) Blackjack: then asked, Uh, what do I do to get out of this?
(Wiz) Locus grins at Blackjack.
(Wiz) Voy snorts.
(Wiz) Hallen: yeah.... thats legit I guess
(Wiz) Hallen: if yer comp illiterate
(Wiz) Blackjack: oh, yeah, and there's always "Just press any key, sir."  "I
      don't see the any key."
(Wiz) Hallen: laugh luagh laugh
(Wiz) Locus: this happened just the other week, someone logs on, then fiddles
      around witht eh coputer for awhile and finally comes up to me and
      complains that he can't open any of the programs
(Wiz) Hallen: oh man you guys must have to learn the "How to keep a straihgt
      face till they leave" look
(Wiz) Voy: hey, I think its harder to learn things when you get older - we'll
      probably be using our outdated CD ROMs and muttering about how the kids
      today don't know authentic music
(Wiz) Locus: I ask him which one he wanted, he says: wordperfect 5.1, and I
      say, you just move the mouse to wordprefect 5.1 and double click
(Wiz) Locus: 10 minutes later, he comes back and asks: where's the mouse?
(Wiz) Blackjack falls down laughing.
(Wiz) Hallen starts rolling on the floor, laughing hysterically.
(Wiz) Voy grins.
(Wiz) Muz fears that schitt.
(Wiz) Voy: no womnder they charge 75$ an hour
(Wiz) May: i was on helpdesk at bzw, and like one of the guys got a call cause
      the screen saver kicked in
(Wiz) Blackjack: tonight someone asked me if I could show him how to make a
      circle
(Wiz) Blackjack: I said, sure.
(Wiz) Blackjack: and made one
(Wiz) Quoth Blackjack, "Now, can you make it 3-dimensional, and glowing?  Can
      you show me how to do that?"
(Wiz) Locus grins at Blackjack.
(Wiz) Hallen: laugh
(Wiz) Quoth Blackjack, "Uh, no."
(Wiz) Voy: Wow, Blackajck, I would have thought you could at least make it
      glow
(Wiz) Voy grins.
(Wiz) Hallen: yeah bj
(Wiz) Hallen: gawd yer so dumb
(Wiz) Blackjack: _I_ could
(Wiz) Blackjack: I'm not gonna sit down and show him
(Wiz) Blackjack: oh yeah
(Wiz) Blackjack: two weeks ago
(Wiz) Blackjack grins.
(Wiz) Blackjack: this guy wanted me to show him how to scan and edit pictures
      so he wouldn't have to "pay our outrageous prices"
(Wiz) Muz starts rolling on the floor, laughing hysterically.
(Wiz) Hallen points at Muz and starts laughing hysterically.
(Wiz) Hallen: read muz's post
(Wiz) Blackjack: "Well sir, those self-serve computers are reserved for people
      who know how to us them."
(Wiz) Voy listens to Blackjack.
(Wiz) Quoth Blackjack, "You just don't want people to learn so you can charge
      them!"
(Wiz) Blackjack: Sir, you can try if you want to.
(Wiz) Blackjack: and he storms out of the store
(Wiz) Blackjack: about 30 minutes later
(Wiz) Hallen goes, "Boug."
(Wiz) Blackjack: he comes back, with a book on how to work in photoshop
(Wiz) Hallen: ahaha
(Wiz) Blackjack: and like 3 hours later, gets his scans done
(Wiz) Muz: should have told him it's all a government conspircy
(Wiz) Blackjack: the one scan would have cost him 10 bucks
(Wiz) Locus: $45 :)
(Wiz) Voy laughs.
(Wiz) Blackjack: the book and time cost him nearly 100
(Wiz) Locus: the computer w/ the scanner is $15/hour
(Wiz) Hallen: ahahaha
(Wiz) Blackjack: "At least I know how to do it now!"
(Wiz) Blackjack: "Very happy for you, sir.
(Wiz) Voy goes: Jesus!
(Wiz) Hallen: i like the reply
(Wiz) Hallen: immensly
(Wiz) Muz: or "Can i do anything else for you sir?"
(Wiz) Locus: someone else brings in her slide presentation and asks if I can
      make a graph for her, I say sure, it takes 24 hours and it's going to
      cost $19.95
(Wiz) Hallen: cool and detached still managing the polite sir, yet sarcastic
      and ridiculing as hell
(Wiz) Hallen listens to Locus.
(Wiz) Voy: Knowing is half the battle, sir
(Wiz) Locus: she says, 24 hours?  can't you get it done any sooner?  I say
      sure, there's a 50% rush fee, so it'll be $29.95 and we can get it done
      in 4-6 hours
(Wiz) Locus: she says: how long would it take you if you started now?  I say
      about a half hour
(Wiz) Locus: so she says: okay, I'll pay the rush fee, and I'd like to wait
(Wiz) Locus: and I need this done in an hour
(Wiz) Locus: she takes out her money and I just sit there staring at her
(Wiz) Hallen listens closely.
(Wiz) Locus: and so do the other 5 customers behind her
(Wiz) Locus: then she gets all pissed off when I told her that it's going to
      take 4-6 hours
(Wiz) Voy chuckles.
(Wiz) Hallen: heh
(Wiz) Locus: and says that I told her it takes a half hour
(Wiz) Voy: dont tell me her presentation was in 1 hour
(Wiz) Locus: and I said, no it takes me a half hour if I didn't have to help
      customers
(Wiz) Locus: ther'es about 10 other people in the store, 5 of them waiting on
      me
(Wiz) Voy grins.
(Wiz) Locus: and this woman absolutely refused to believe that I couldn't get
      her job done in the while she waited
(Wiz) Locus: anyways, I lost the point of my story awhile ago
(Wiz) Locus: ignore me
(Wiz) May: we are
(Wiz) Hallen ignores Locus.
(Wiz) Locus: it turned into me complaining about customers and me hating them
(Wiz) Locus nuzzles Hallen's neck.
(Wiz) Voy: most people could probably give 2shits if you have other people to
      help
(Wiz) Voy huggles Locus.
(Wiz) Locus: my job would be so much better if I didn't have to deal with
      customers
(Wiz) Hallen: aye they are numero uno
(Wiz) Hallen: and theyre problem is more important than anyone elses
(Wiz) Blackjack: aye
(Wiz) Locus: yeppers
(Wiz) Hallen: you know thats what I always
(Wiz) Hallen: I wish the customers would get out and let me get on with my job
(Wiz) Blackjack grins.
(Wiz) Quoth Blackjack, "Hey, can you help me?"
(Wiz) Hallen: illusive feh
(Wiz) Blackjack: Sure, sir.
(Wiz) Quoth Blackjack, "I need you to erase this name, and put my name there"
(Wiz) Blackjack: Sir, this is a graduation certificate
(Wiz) Quoth Blackjack, "I know.  I need it to get a job."
(Wiz) Hallen: did yah do it?
(Wiz) Blackjack: That's not your certificate, is it, sir.
(Wiz) Quoth Blackjack, "What do you care?"
(Wiz) Blackjack: Oh, I don't.  I'm not going to do it.
(Wiz) Quoth Blackjack, "Why not!"
(Wiz) Blackjack: It's illegal, sir.
(Wiz) Quoth Blackjack, "Nobody'll know!"
(Wiz) Hallen: ahaha
(Wiz) Blackjack: Because I won't do it.
(Wiz) Quoth Blackjack, "Can I use the computers here?"
(Wiz) Blackjack: Yes
(Wiz) Quoth Blackjack, "will you help me?"
(Wiz) Blackjack: No.
(Wiz) Hallen: laugh
(Wiz) Blackjack: Then he wanted to see the manager
(Wiz) Hallen: where the hell do you work guys?
(Wiz) Blackjack: Laura almost busted a gut laughing right in the guy's face
(Wiz) Locus giggles.
(Wiz) Hallen: where do you work and whats the job there?
(Wiz) Locus: we work at Kinko's Computer Services, remember?
(Wiz) Hallen:  the stories
(Wiz) Hallen: yah I know kinkos
(Wiz) Hallen: i didnt know you did all this computer stuff
(Wiz) Hallen: i thought twas all copying etc
(Wiz) Blackjack: the computer stuff is nothing
(Wiz) Locus: urm, how else do you think we can logon from work?
(Wiz) Muz grins.
(Wiz) Blackjack: the customer service stuff, that's work
(Wiz) Hallen: I DUNT KNO!
(Wiz) Locus snuggles up to Hallen.
(Wiz) Hallen: i only went to the gawd damn xmas party and ate their food
(Wiz) Hallen: why would i care what they do?
(Wiz) Blackjack: Oh oh oh!
(Wiz) Hallen: eat, leave end of story
(Wiz) Hallen: bj has a brain fart
(Wiz) Blackjack: I was playing the Doors CD on the Indy (SGI computer) the
      other day
(Wiz) Hallen: just thought of another one
(Wiz) Blackjack: and someone said, where's the music coming from?
(Wiz) Locus snuggles up to Hallen.
(Wiz) Blackjack: The computer
(Wiz) Hallen nuzzles Locus's neck.
(Wiz) Quoth Blackjack, "The computer likes the Doors?""
(Wiz) Locus laughs.
(Wiz) May rolls her eyes.
(Wiz) Hallen: ahahahahahaha
(Wiz) Hallen: say "yeah its an alternative to windows"
(Wiz) Locus: that reminds me
(Wiz) Hallen: oh that was bad
(Wiz) Blackjack goes: ow, Hallen.
(Wiz) Locus: someone brought their CD in and asked for a computer
(Wiz) Locus: I point them to the IBM w/ the CD rom drive and says he could try
      using it, but I didn't think it'll work
(Wiz) Locus: 15 minutes later he says, you're right, it's not working
(Wiz) Locus: can you help me get it out?
(Wiz) Hallen listens closely.
(Wiz) Locus: I go over there, and he's somehow managed to jam his CD into the
      5.25" disk drive
(Wiz) Blackjack starts rolling on the floor, laughing hysterically.
(Wiz) Locus: anyways, this guy calls up the store and complains that the drink
      holder on his computer broke off and if we could fix it
(Wiz) Locus: and Itchy says: drink holder?
(Wiz) Locus: and the guy says yeah, it's pretty handy, and he'd like to
      continue using it, but it broke off
(Wiz) Locus: Itchy thinks about this for a while and says: computers don't have
      drink holdders
(Wiz) Locus: the guy says: well, mine does
(Wiz) Locus: Itchy thinks about this some more, then says: is it located just
      above the floppy disk drive?
(Wiz) Locus: the guy says: yeah, there's a little tray w/ a hole in it for my
      drinks
(Wiz) Locus: he'd been using his Pentium 90's quad speed CD rom for a drink
      holder ;)